1. F1 very simple. In humble opinion of new organisers, much too simple. To replace, please welcome latest innovation in racing technology - Bernie's Castle, in which Drivers must pass many challenges in attempt to win big prize known as world Drivers' Championship and also cuddly toy of large dolphin.

2. Challenge No. 1: paddock swipe gate to be replaced. Drivers must now vault swinging gate which hovers over pool filled with jelly. Trying to prevent entry will be enemies, known as "photographers", who will be armed with a bad attitude and sticks called "long lens".

3. Challenge No. 2: Thursday's press conference will now be called "Driver Endurance!" Five drivers must sit in a room and be bombarded with pies by enemies called "media". A driver may quit at any time by saying the magic words "For sure".

4. Challenge No. 3: Free practice will be abandoned in favour of drivers having to set the fastest lap by running around a miniature reproduction Suzuka circuit, all while wearing the large, top-heavy costume traditional to Japanese gameshows that resembles a Japanese Daruma doll.

5. The race will not now be a boring procession. Instead, each car will now be a large papier mache square armed with a laser gun. Drivers will race around a huge square trying to invade Bernie's Castle, while being shot at by enemies in "Safety Cars". They will also be shouted at by a strange man waving a sword, who, at the end, will award the best three with medals for their efforts.

6. As with Japanese gameshows, New F1 will be enormously popular in a vast number of countries all over the planet. No one will really have a clue what's going on or why, but they will be entertained by the sight of a collection of odd people all shouting at each other in strange languages in even stranger landscapes. Oh... must apologise, seems New F1 exactly same format as old F1.

Provided by Red Bull Racing